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Soft Addiction Solutions with Dr Judith Wright



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Jason Hartman hosts author Dr. Judith Wright, to discuss her latest book The Soft Addiction Solution: Break Free of the Seemingly Harmless Habits That Keep You from the Life You Want. She asks us to consider the different activities we do in our lives and explains what soft addictions are. Dr Wright goes over triggers, coping skills and gives advice on how to live your best life by letting go of soft addictions. She explains that while these addictions don’t kill us, they do rob us from a deeper more connected life experience that take away time, money, love, and energy.

Announcer 0:04
Welcome to the heroic investing show. As first responders we risk our lives every day our financial security is under attack. Our pensions are in a state of emergency. A single on duty incident can alter or erase our earning potential instantly and forever. We are the heroes of society. We are self reliant, and we need to take care of our own financial future. The heroic investing show is our toolkit of business and investing tactics on our mission to financial freedom.

Jason Hartman 0:39
Hello, and welcome to Episode 160 160 of the heroic investing show. This is a podcast for first responders, veterans, members of the military and anyone looking to improve your financial future and gain some freedom with your time. We teach America’s heroes how to build passive income, build their startup business, and safely grow wealth through real estate and other alternative investments. We help current and prior first responders and all of you out there put protections and systems in place to enable you to build a life where you can focus on your passion, that service or product that you are uniquely gifted to share with the world and gain an improved life for your family yourself and to be able to create those dreams that you’ve been looking for whether that’s a retirement and ability to travel, or that again, that business that you have always wanted to do. Many of us want to travel and give back to charities, service organizations, you know, inspire others through public speaking, whatever it is, it requires a foundation requires assets that will create money for you passively so that you can work on mastering and bringing that mastering your skill and bringing that new business or service into existence. And so that’s why I talk so much about alternative investing about real estate investing other cash flowing assets. Well, today is a 10th episode, as you know, and we go off topic with 10 episodes, I want to bring something that’s a general life benefit to you. You know, as in all of those, all of you who know me know that I’m very, very focused on self improvement and helping others do the same thing. And so generally, my 10th episode is about a way to do a life hack or a way to improve yourself so that your performance goes up, your efficiency goes up, and it gets you closer to that goal of yours much faster. And today is no different. Today we’re talking with Dr. Judith Wright. And Dr. Wright is a world class coach. She’s very well known kind of a peerless educator with respect to relationships and lifestyles. She’s an inspirational speaker, best selling author of several books, she’s often does corporate consulting, and she’s called one of America’s ultimate experts. And, you know, as I mentioned, very much a sought after speaker, one of the, you know, the books that she is probably most well known for. And the one that that Jason talks with her about in this episode is a topic of soft addictions. And when he talks about soft addictions, he’s talking about those habits, essentially, that are so incredibly powerful that they convince us the activities that we’re taking the habit that we have is normal, we’ve surrounded ourselves with people who do the same thing. We have done them so long in our own lives, we don’t really even think about them. You know, breathing is a habit. Thankfully, we don’t have to think about it. Thankfully, also, that’s a good habit. But I’m sure you know, you know, food is an example in America of some really, really bad habits we have, you know, I go one of my kids, his favorite restaurant is the Cheesecake Factory. And I’ll admit, we all enjoy our time, they’re all four of us, we kind of look forward to going a cup once or twice a month. And when we’re there though, the portion sizes are massive. And it’s just normal when you’re there and it’s normal to eat, you know, the fried foods eat too much of it. Of course, it’s Cheesecake Factory, right? So you’re going to have a big massive piece of cheesecake. And like I said, it’s just normal. It’s not splurging. It’s not you know, having two or three massive diet cokes or regular cokes that, again is not unusual, they just bring them and you drink them. And that’s what you’ve been doing. Right? So, you know, it’s kind of that gets down the path of what Jesus is talking about here with soft addictions. But I can remember when I first heard this episode, a few years ago, it made a big impact on me and it made me start to pay attention to really just the the negative effects of accepting something as normal, like not questioning why you do something and it’s really good exercise to do something very simple, like pick up a little notepad. And write down what you spend money on everything or write down what you do with your day. Just take a note, you know, every few minutes of what you’re physically doing when you change activities, what time was when you change? It’s really helpful from time management. It’s helpful from financial management. But it’s also very helpful just to make yourself aware of why did I do that? Why? Why did I spend that time doing that activity, it makes you tremendously more efficient, not doing that, it gets rid of a lot of vices, if you can get in the practice of just trying to externally look at what you do, how you do it, and whether those activities are serving you or not serving you. It’s also very helpful to ask friends and family loved ones, coworkers, their impression of things that you do that you feel like are, you know, that they feel are not serving you, or that they just find odd because no one else does them. You know, so it’s just a great exercise. You know, sometimes it takes a little courage to ask for that kind of feedback. But that is always that best feedback. I had an instructor once when I was in my commanding officer training for submarines, and he did not hold back, he turned out to be one of the actually the senior most person in the Navy. But at the time, he is, you know, previously served commanding officer who was giving us advice. And some of the advice he gave me most of the advice he gave me was raw, and it was unvarnished, it was direct and to the point. And it was intended for the very best purposes of helping me improve. And then the things that he taught me, I valued more than probably any other advice I ever got, you know, when somebody says, hey, you’re doing a great job, gosh, you know, you can just tweak on this one minor little thing. That doesn’t help, right. I mean, what helps is when somebody is with the best of intentions, giving you raw feedback, so please listen to your coworkers listen to family members, when they give you that advice, you don’t have to change just because what they said, but at least listen to it and give it some actual unbiased review, and decide whether you know you agree with it have a good point or not. I think you will very much appreciate the kind of feedback you get when you ask questions like that. So and I think you’re gonna love what you hear here from Dr. Judith. Right. So with that, let’s get to Jason and Dr. Judas, right. And this, again, is an episode that I’ve listened to numerous times, credited with giving with having really good impact actually on my ability to change and to question the activities that I do in my life. So thank you so much, and I hope you get a lot out of Dr. Judith Wright’s discussion about soft addictions. My pleasure to welcome Dr. Judith Wright to the show. She is the author of a few books, but one of them is the soft addiction solution break free of seemingly harmless habits that keep you from the life you want. And also her newest work, which is transformed the science of spectacular living. And she’s coming to us today from Chicago. Judith, how are you?

Dr Judith Wright 7:51
I’m great, thanks.

Jason Hartman 7:53
Good. Well, a pleasure to have you on the show. And we talked for just a couple of moments before we started. And I find the topic of soft addictions to be a very catchy and fascinating idea. And you’ll explain it, of course, but what I gather is that you’re talking about things that aren’t seemingly very harmful. I mean, they’re not a drug addiction, they’re not something that will necessarily ruin one’s life, per se. But they are in the very least maybe robbing us of time, aren’t they?

Dr Judith Wright 8:22
I think it’s well put, I coined the term soft addiction because it has an addictive quality like drugs or alcohol, but the substances themselves don’t kill you. However, at the same time, you don’t really die from soft addictions, but you don’t really live either. Because it’s those seemingly harmless habits that we all do that we’re so often overdue these normal everyday activities, whether it’s checking your Facebook page, your email, social media, over shopping, over eating, being too consumed with sports, but it can be any normal everyday activity, but you’re overdoing it oftentimes not realizing the cost that it has, both in time, money, but it also mutes our consciousness, it numbs our feelings, it’s actually robbing us from a greater sense of satisfaction and for what what we could be using those resources for instead, they have a much greater cost and we’re aware of because there’s so pervasive we just think it’s normal.

Jason Hartman 9:14
Okay, so let’s let me let me play devil’s advocate with that for a moment. So let’s take social media, which is all the rage nowadays. So it’s a different way of communicating for sure. But would you say that before the advent of social media, that spending time with one’s friends or chatting with them on the phone is a soft addiction? I mean, like, what’s the difference besides the medium than, you know, talking to them on Facebook, for example?

Dr Judith Wright 9:39
I think it’s a good Good point. I think mankind has had soft addictions forever before media was even invented. It might have been that it was daydreaming or other kinds of overworking are things that we get lost. And so but I do think that things have sped up and it’s become increasingly much easier to get addicted with all the changes in technology and the new things and disposable income. And as lots of things that contribute to that inequality of you, we all want to connect, we want to relate, we want to belong. And it’s not like we’re gonna get rid of social media or computers or televisions or anything. But how do we use them because the quality of contact that we have on Facebook isn’t the same as face to face, it’s fine for exchanging some information catching up a little bit. But when we’re using that to substitute for deep, intimate personal contact with their friends and family members, where you can read each other’s facial cues, you can have the power of your social emotional intelligence really engaged, we’re missing out on a quality of human relationships, that has a huge cost to us.

Jason Hartman 10:39
Fair enough. And I agree, but just playing devil’s advocate for another moment, isn’t that what maybe all the naysayers said, when the telephone came out?

Dr Judith Wright 10:47
I think they probably did with every new media. And I don’t think that they were totally wrong. But there’s also there’s a good side and a bad side. This is what’s so insidious about soft evictions, because if you were drug or alcohol, you don’t need those to live. But in our modern society, you’re going to be eating and then there’s a propensity to overeat, you’re going to use your computer, and you can overuse it, you’re going to have social media, but you can overuse it. So you can’t get rid of nor should we get rid of the positive uses of these things. But when they’re running us, and we’re at the effect of that we aren’t in charge of it, that it has an addictive, compulsive way of pulling us out of our everyday reality, then that’s where it becomes a problem.

Jason Hartman 11:28
And, you know, I would say the same thing is true with materialism. And you alluded to it, and I want to ask you to kind of help help ferret that out for us. But things are fine, it’s great to have things. But we just got to make sure that we’re the master and the things don’t end up owning us. So we’re the servant. So how does one know, when it’s running us? As you say, when is it in addiction? I mean, I assume this is, it’s got several shades of gray in here. It’s not a black and white answer, is it?

Dr Judith Wright 11:57
No, I don’t think it is. But I think it’s something sometimes you just know, you know, I’m feeling a little guilty about this, I’m spending too much time and spending too much money, I’m avoiding something, some part of you oftentimes is conscious that it’s too much. But sometimes other people are mad at you about it or teasing you about it or really resenting the time and energy you’re spending away from them. That’s another signal. But another is how do you feel when you’re doing it? If you’re doing engaging, if you’re over shopping or doing too much media, wherever that is, if you’re kind of buzzed, or high or agitated, or kind of cloudy, foggy a little out of it in a trance, if you’ve got that one that surfing the web voice that aha, kind of disconnected quality. Or if you’ve done something and you can’t remember, really even what you did, or what you eat, or what you spent, or you end up buying the same pair of shoes you already have those kinds of things, let you know you’re not with it, you’re not all there. So chances are that’s a soft addiction. On the other hand, if you’re engaging in something and you feel more present, more grounded, more alive, you’re learning something you’re growing, you feel expanded, then chances are that’s a passion. But we shouldn’t confuse the two and pretend that soft addictions are our passion when they’re really an altered state.

Jason Hartman 13:11
It is an altered state. It’s like the video game concept where it It puts people into the alpha state. And maybe the brainwaves are different with these different soft addictions. But conceptually, it’s kind of the same thing. It’s kind of trance. Yeah, isn’t it?

Dr Judith Wright 13:26
One, I think that’s a problem because it takes us out of ourselves. And then sometimes what we do with their friends and families, we do soft addictions together, I think we’re having a good time. And there’s something we’re having a parallel play activity, maybe but we’re not connecting. And that neuroscience underneath it is really interesting, because what happens is that what the soft addictions are more fueled by the neurotransmitter dopamine, which obviously sounds like dope, but it’s what gives you it’s, we need it, it gets you motivated, it has you take action it has. It’s one of the pleasure centers of our brain. But there’s no real satisfaction with that. It’s just a buzz. It’s kind of a high. It’s addictive in its way, what we’ve learned in our research. And part of what we’ve gotten into our new book transformed about the science of spectacular living, is that there’s another pleasure center of the brain. And this is what we’re avoiding when we get to our soft addictions. And it’s fueled by the neural transmitters of opioid, which of course, sounds like opium. But we really is that state of bliss, that place where you get that satisfied pause where it gets off, this feels good. There’s a sense of fulfillment or satisfaction. But when those two centers compete, that wanting center the cravings, that part of us wants to soft addiction always wins unless we can really train ourselves to really go for those things that I call our deeper yearnings that really fulfill us and satisfy us that are fueled by a whole nother pleasure center of our brains really make us feel satisfied and fulfilled. And I don’t think we should just get high. When we have the opportunity to really be satisfied and fulfilled and love our lives. That’s a much greater reward. For activity,

Jason Hartman 15:01
yeah, rather than just the transitory awarded or reward, it can be a much deeper thing you talk about the why. And I think that is such an important issue in human motivation is, is the why you talk about cracking your own code. Tell us about discovering the Why?

Dr Judith Wright 15:19
Well, you know, it’s interesting because we don’t just wake up in the morning and say, Oh, I hope I overeat today and bite my nails and lose tons of hours of social media, what we consciously want, but there’s triggers that we have, there’s a coping mechanism we’ve developed over time, there’s patterns of behavior that we have, that become kind of a part of our lifestyle, we don’t really notice that. For me, I was an overeater, I was fat. And I was a chubby kid. So I had this pattern of when I was upset, or when I didn’t know that consciously. But when I was sad, or angry, or, or frayed, and I didn’t know how to deal with those feelings, there’s things I couldn’t stomach, I literally would just eat to kind of quell that, call, whatever that upset was. And that became a pattern for me. So part of it would for me, like, I would notice it, as an adult, I realized I’d be out on a date was with a guy when I was dating in college, and I realized, Wow, I’ve eaten the entire breadbasket. And like what’s going on. And when I looked at that, you know, I’m uncomfortable with this guy, and I’m nervous, I don’t like how he’s treating me, I don’t like how we just treated the waitress. And rather than being in touch with my upset, I’m stuffing it with bread, when I started to realize that, things like that. So Whoa, there’s way better ways for me to be able to deal with these things. So understanding what your triggers are, and what the emotions are, that are kind of triggering the behavior can help you then deal with those in a better way.

Jason Hartman 16:44
Give us an example for someone as it might relate, because and I, you know, I don’t mean to make this the topic, but it’s such The, the current thing is it might relate to social media, what would be the why their need for belonging, need for self expression, is someone deficient in that in their life. And that’s why they’re looking for that reward online. Or, I mean, those are just

Dr Judith Wright 17:09
what I kind of came up with is he does a great, great dessus. And I think they’re really apt because what we found under every soft addiction, every craving everyone is a deeper yearning. And then also when we did the research for transformed our new book, we realized that people who live really studied, people who live really great lives really have a sense of satisfaction in their lives and their careers and their relationships, their great their leadership expands. It’s just that this beautiful quality of their life. And we found that they lead their lives by these yearnings. So it’s a research kept revealing. So what you’re seeing is that every under every craving, there’s a deeper yearning. So if it’s social media, you want to check your Facebook page, you want to check your email, you want to just see what’s being who just posted or whatever. It’s almost Pavlovian responses that you have. But under that there’s a deeper yearning. And it’s a deeper yearning to connect. It’s a deeper yearning to belong perhaps, or to feel like you matter or to know that you’re important or that you’re part of something. Those yearnings are pure and beautiful, and every human being has those. But we can’t really get those yearnings fully met by Facebook, it just gives us a little bit of a high, it doesn’t really see that yearning, although we keep going to it, hoping that we’ll get more satisfied. But it never really completes itself. Until we really have more face to face contact when we really can make a phone call or see a smile on a loved one’s face or go for a walk and play. And really greet people and feel that kind of connection. Those kinds of things give us that really meet that deeper yearning. So when we can, and we can use our soft addictions to help us identify what those deeper yearnings are because we can translate those surface cravings to what is it we’re really hoping that that would give to us. And once we know that yearning, we can go about meeting that and much more satisfying ways. When people live great lives. That’s exactly what they do.

Jason Hartman 18:58
It’s like selling your dreams for small desires, isn’t it?

Dr Judith Wright 19:02
beautifully put it is that and the small desires that we hope that they’ll make us happy. They hope we hope that’ll make us be fulfilled and that it’s really only our deeper dreams and are beautiful pure yearnings that will do that. But the other part about the deeper yearnings and it’s about soft addictions are so assessable you can grab a doughnut pretty quickly on Facebook pretty easily. But also yearnings can be met really easily also. Because if you do yearn to connect there’s a lot of ways to do that. You can make a phone call you can even text someone and maybe with a little more you can use the media if you know that you’re really using it for a deeper connection and share more fully be more open, be more honest, be more vulnerable, be more truthful, in a way that helps that be a deeper connection. And then in the moment it’s really fulfilling.

Jason Hartman 19:48
Yeah, and you know what, you can even do that on for example Facebook, since we’re talking about it because I heard this oh, you know, Judith, can you hang on just a moment there? I’ve got to check my Facebook. I’m joking. But I heard a study just oh, maybe two weeks ago about how people that look at Facebook, they’re not as satisfied with their life. And, you know, I think that’s true. I tell you, I felt that way myself. Because, you know, look at, you look at your news feed. And it’s like, almost 95% of what you see and depends on the person because everybody’s feed is different. But what you see is positive stuff that someone’s got this great thing going or they’re having fun, or they’ve got these great pictures and, and you’re thinking you’re all we’re always doing it we all this is just human nature. You know, we’re always comparing, and we’re always judging, and we’re saying, Well, why isn’t my wife that good? Why aren’t I in Europe?

Dr Judith Wright 20:51
Jealous, competitive and bad about yourself? Yeah, exactly. No, I think you know, it’s true. I realized with myself early on, I had, I was softly addicted to magazines and catalogs. And I realized that as I picked up a catalogue or magazine, I didn’t feel good. I felt worse after reading them or looking at them. Because I can magazine same thing I was comparing myself to all these things, it didn’t have that ideal, what were the perfect images, and

Jason Hartman 21:15
that that’s a concept that’s pretty interesting. I remember hearing about a long, long time ago. And that was saying that males in our population are dissatisfied, because they suffer from a something called centerfold syndrome, which is where you know, all of the women you see in the media are airbrushed and beautiful and perfect. And, you know, in real life, it’s not like that.

Dr Judith Wright 21:38
Yeah, human beings aren’t photoshopped. There we are, and all of our ruggedness, and there is this kind of idea that you keep comparing yourself or in that case, other people are women, too, that can’t measure up. And you end up feeling worse. The same thing with Facebook, if you keep comparing yourself, we’re seeing that because people aren’t using Facebook, oftentimes, for the real deeper truth, we’re trying to, we’re protecting our images and trying to sell what’s cool, or what’s good about it. And it’s not that depth of connection, there’s an unreality sometimes about it. And that’s where a great heart to heart conversation with people really sharing their hopes and their dreams and their fears and their challenges and their successes is so much more satisfying, because it’s real. And it’s deeper, and you’re connecting in a much more intimate level. It’s very fulfilling,

Jason Hartman 22:23
right? So this sort of begs the question, is it better to have a lot of friends? And I’m saying that in quote, in the Facebook sense, or the acquaintance sense, or is it better to have just a very small number as you would in the old days, because you were limited by geography and lack of telecommunication? Just a few close friends? And I know where everybody’s mind goes with that immediately. Everybody’s going to say, well, it’s better to have a few close friends. And I bet you are, too. But the one thing you do you do have some benefits of having this broad, big pool of friends seems like I don’t know what the average is. But everybody on say, Facebook has a few hundred friends. Now, five of those are three of them are close friends, but that you really do think, you

Dr Judith Wright 23:13
know, it’s a really good question. I think actually, though, that there’s uses for both, it’s not one or the other, because close friends, people that know you people that you know that you’re supporting one another, you’re empowering one another, it’s truthful, you know, they’re there for you in good times, and bad that people that you can reach out to people that can give you honest feedback, and courage, you know, when you’re, you need to get your button gear, all those things are extremely helpful. And the only way and people who live great lives have these kind of great life team members. It’s really it’s what our research showed as well. So that’s really helpful. At the same time, the bigger your network have a more genuine way when you’re the hub of a network, and you have a lot of people and resources. Those are resources, if you have a question you can get it answered more easily. If you need a referral to someone who’s really great at something, the bigger your network gets, the more people that you trust, you can get that kind of information. So network can help you expand your influence and also bring you more resources. And you need people that you can be close to, you know, and I think part of it maybe rests with each of us. How genuine are we with the people that we’re with whether it’s a few or a lot, the more real We are the 100 people or 10 people, we’re still going to have that depth of connection. And maybe that’s the critical factor.

Jason Hartman 24:30
Well, I’m looking for a new blog post by you with the top 10 deep, meaningful vulnerable Facebook status updates.

Dr Judith Wright 24:41
There’s something to that.

Jason Hartman 24:43
There you go. That will really inspire deep connections in a modern media format.

Dr Judith Wright 24:48
Well, and I think I think there’s something to that you didn’t ask people about that at all. I’m so afraid if I did that and people make fun of me or that they’ll think I’m being kind of weird or that’s too vulnerable. At the same time, shouldn’t we feel funny, but some of the stuff we are posting?

Dr Judith Wright 25:05
Not all that great.

Jason Hartman 25:06
It’s certainly questionable. that’s open to debate. No question about it. Judith, tell us about the math of more. I think in Western cultures, especially with thanks to Madison Avenue, it seems like life is just about More, more, more, more of everything. It’s like the collectors, morality and mentality. What do you mean by the mass of more?

Dr Judith Wright 25:27
Wow, that’s a good question. Because I usually capitalize it sooner. You understand, wait, the big more of life as opposed to the little more life. Because the math and was interesting, because when we when I was doing the research and looking at soft addictions, what I realized is that we’re already feeling deprived. And so to try to take away our soft addictions, feels really threatening. I mean, none of us wants to let go of our little friends or candy or whatever that is metaphorically for us. So just subtracting wasn’t really the answer. And it wasn’t the answer for me in my life, that we really need to add things to our lives that meet these deeper yearnings. And when we do that, it’s much easier to subtract our soft addictions because the needs are met, they’re fulfilled, or our cravings just kind of go away. And that’s what’s really interesting to the math and more is adding things that meet your deeper yearnings and subtracting some of their over indulging. And that actually then multiplies the pleasure and satisfaction you’re getting in your life. So it’s not a path of deprivation. It’s a path of really adding to your life, it really satisfies you.

Jason Hartman 26:28
So in a moment, I want to jump to the next step of maybe considering that soft addictions is the problem, then I want to talk about spectacular living and transformation. But before we do that, could you please cover the four loving truths,

Dr Judith Wright 26:45
the four living truths are something that are really quite profound. And something that happens when you live these ways. And they actually kind of help you with that the first loving truth is, you are loved, whether you feel it or believe it, to live it with that reality that I’m loved, whether I feel it or not, and looking for evidence of that love in your life, whether that’s a waitress, remembering what you ordered to drink and bringing it to you, or a smile on the street or close loved one to really live with the truth that you’re loved. And another loving truth is that which is about your emotions. And one it’s one is that love and peace are the legacy of your pain. So many of us think that Oh, my pain is a problem. And I have to numb that in order for me to feel love or peace. And it’s actually the opposite. We can allow ourselves to express our pain to cry that out to let that go. And it’s followed very naturally by love and peace. So if we deny our pain, or denying the love and the peace, we can get it another loving to the dogs really emotions, but that our feelings are divine, and to be honored, rather than to be numbed or suppressed to really bring our emotions up to the surface and to really understand the beautiful information they have for us how they make us more real, how they help us connect and in love and be loved and how precious they really are, and the importance of our emotional intelligence and our hearts. And the fourth loving truth is the gifts are given to us every single human being to develop and utilize in the divine symphony of life. And every single one of us has talents and gifts maybe even yet undiscovered or undeveloped, but they’re there. And the more we engage in life more fully, we can discover what those are, develop those and use those. And if every human being is doing that and offering their gifts. We have a beautiful symphony of life and I don’t have to have your gifts and you don’t have my gifts. We’re all offering them to this beautiful symphony of life.

Jason Hartman 28:40
Those are the four loving to fantastic. Before we leave the soft addictions subject, I want to ask you about one that is encouraged. And that is seemingly very good. And maybe you can address it and that is exercise. can exercise be a soft addiction or maybe hard addiction?

Dr Judith Wright 29:00
It actually can. There’s many people that are over addicted to that, whether it’s the runner’s high or whatever that is, but they’re overworking out to an end there’s many wise to attend to get a sense of control in their life being over concerned about their health or their bodies or their weight or how they look or whatever. But people can get really lost and overdoing exercise. Of course, exercise is a good thing, but you can really get addicted to overworking out. And I know many people who have done that and have worked on that. They still work out but it no longer has an obsessive quality for them.

Jason Hartman 29:33
So the endorphin endorphins can be certainly addictive. Right? And that’s the

Dr Judith Wright 29:38
right yeah, no, it’s literally because you’re getting that kind of a kind of high from it. And you can get hooked by it in almost anything can become a soft addiction. I know people that have got softly addicted to meditation or even prayer, and that’s a beaut they’re both beautiful things, but if you’re overusing it and one woman she told me she was addicted to prayers and how is that possible? What is that? What would happen? Is it Anytime anything would happen, she would go pray rather than deal with it. She wouldn’t talk to her husband, she wouldn’t speak up at work. She just would go to prayer. And so she caught she was caught in a bind rather than prayer in addition to doing what she needed to do, and she realized she was using it as an escape to anything you’re overdoing and use it to escape from other parts of your life. chances are it’s a soft addiction.

Jason Hartman 30:22
Yeah, maybe the balance there is God helps those who help themselves to scientism extent, there’s a there’s a point to that. But at the end with that, we’ll be back in just a minute.

Dr Judith Wright 30:35
You know, if any, sometimes I think of Jason Hartman as a walking encyclopedia on the subject of creating wealth,

Dr Judith Wright 30:42
well, you’re probably not far off from the truth bridge. Jason actually has a six book set on creating wealth that comes with over 100 hours of the most comprehensive ideas on investing in business. They’re in high quality digital download audio format, ready for your car, iPod, or wherever you want to learn.

Dr Judith Wright 31:02
Yes, and by the way, he’s recently added another book to this series that shows you investing the way it should be. This is a world where anything less than a 26% annual return is disappointing.

Dr Judith Wright 31:13
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Dr Judith Wright 31:23
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Dr Judith Wright 31:33
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Dr Judith Wright 31:42
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Dr Judith Wright 31:57
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Dr Judith Wright 32:05
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Dr Judith Wright 32:16
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Jason Hartman 32:34
Well, let’s talk about the science of spectacular living transformed a lot of great stuff in this book, and you go through some different steps and so forth, you start where you like,

Dr Judith Wright 32:45
great. But what happened transformed is the amazing thing. What we did was we studied people who are living great lives, we started with some very students that right, we have coaching and training and seminars that people do, and everybody learns and grows. But some people were blowing the doors off of their lives, their relationships, or deep and intimate, satisfying, they’re getting promoted, they’re making more money, their sales are escalating, their leadership is going amazingly well. And we’re in a parent team was so deeply satisfied with a winner, what are they doing differently? And we studied what we call those positive deviance, and we’re doing similar things were getting much greater results. Internally, what are they doing differently? They’re in the same classes are seeing the same coaches, what is that, and we found that there was a we did the research on that, that there was a process, there were six phases of this process that they engaged in of consciously engaging in their own transformation in a different way. And when we studied then, people in history and currently our heroes and heroines to realize that they’re living the same way. And then we saw that current neuroscience and they were economics, all kinds of science backs it up. But we the wait a minute, we’re onto something. And that’s what we put into this book transformed. And one of the first phases we’ve actually been talking about that all these people who lead these really satisfying spectacular lives, really base their lives on their yearning. They’re very in touch with their yearning to love and be loved to matter to make a difference, to touch and be touched, to be seen to be heard. And they let allow that to guide their lives into engaging, which is the second phase and really engaging in activities and ways of being and living their life more adventurous Lee being willing to take risks and make mistakes, which leads them into the next four phases. It’s a phenomenal way of living, and it’s available for all of us.

Jason Hartman 34:31
Yeah. Wow. When you look at what really, I mean, how do you first of all quantify I guess I just call it fulfillment? We I mean, how do you know you know, like, I’ve read these studies about how the the richest countries or the richest societies aren’t necessarily the most fulfilled. But then I’ve read other studies that say, you know, can money buy happy and I’m just using money as an example because it’s a it’s hard to quantify fulfillment. That’s what I’m getting to here. But I remember reading one that was very interesting. old thing of can money buy happiness. And they found and of course, you’d have to adjust this for inflation, which would be pretty significant because I read this in the, I think the early to mid 90s. And it was it was a study that showed that for an American, and depending on where you live, if you live in an expensive place, then adjust up. If you live in a low cost of living place, you can probably adjust down a little bit. And then of course, you got to adjust for 1820 years of inflation. But but the number there was a number they put to it in this study, and they said it was about a net worth of about 1,000,005. Wow, was the number and so you know, adjusting that for inflation, that’s probably three and a half million today. But they found that that number, you didn’t need more than that. But if you have that much, it really did make one’s life happier, because they felt free. They didn’t feel like they had to worry. And that that can be very negative, certainly. But how do you quantify fulfilment just by what people tell you? I mean, God, if you look at my Facebook feed, everybody looks like they’re having a great life.

Dr Judith Wright 36:04
tie back to the old conversation, good marketing or PR for it anyway. But we don’t know. And it’s interesting. You know, I don’t know, the more recent studies I’ve read on money, for example, if we use that one, again, really don’t show those kind of differences even across the world and cross culturally, unless you’re below poverty. And then if you get up to at least right at that, that level of your family of four, if you get up to $40,000, then you’re happier if you’ve been below that, which makes sense. But after that, there’s really not that much difference, which is really interesting. I think the key thing you’re saying and the research you were talking about is that people felt free. But we don’t have to wait to be free to we have $3 million freedom, something we can choose now, no matter how much money or a little money or whatever we have. And when we do that, when we start to orient toward an or why do we want money? What do we hope it would provide for us freedom might be one that might be a deeper yearning to be free. For others, it’s the yearning to feel like they matter, or that they’re important or yearning for security. And when we know why we want those things, and we actually go for it directly. That’s what actually causes more fulfillment. And ironically, what happens when and what we saw on our research, the more that you’re following these deeper yearnings, whether it’s to matter or to be seen or heard or to be respected. You end up achieving way more goals, because it’s really something because the way that you’re living your life tends to be you’re more you you’re more authentic, you’re more connected with other people, you tend to be more productive, you’re more satisfied, you’re making a bigger difference. And many things happen out of that you shift yourself kind of from the inside out. And ironically, you make more money. I mean, all the people that are studying made more money, they weren’t trying to make more money, per se. They were leaving a great life and focusing on their yearnings. But it naturally led to making more money, but it wasn’t the money that made them happy. They went about being happy. And then they made more money. Well,

Jason Hartman 37:58
yeah, absolutely. And probably either they were doing something that they were passionate about, and that that had an impact on making them happy. Or they brought a happy person to the table. And suddenly what they were doing became filled with passion and interest.

Dr Judith Wright 38:16
What oftentimes is the second thing you mentioned that we saw more than more than anything else, because most people have like a magic solution if I just had something I was passionate about, and I’d be happy, no invest yourself fully where you are. And all of a sudden, this so called boring job or situation becomes much more interesting, you start growing more, you start naturally expanding, getting promoted, or outgrowing that in a natural way and going to the next thing and the universe kind of responds to so it’s bringing that happier, more fulfilled, engaged. And that’s where that second phase engaging is so important with their study, really engaging because most people are kind of checked out or waiting for something else to happen or waiting to win the lottery or waiting to get a new job or waiting till the economy recovers rather than engaging fully in their yearnings right now. And when you do that, you have instant settlement. Maybe it takes you a longer time to actually reach some goals, but you don’t have to wait to the goal is met to be satisfied. So it’s long term results. But in the moment, it’s much more fulfilling.

Jason Hartman 39:16
Yeah, it sure is. The problem is the problem with westernized culture. And this may be true in other cultures as well, is that we’ve got this media that is so omnipresent in all of our lives. And it’s, it’s constantly telling us it’s the the the the subtext of virtually all media is more, more,

Dr Judith Wright 39:40
more, right, right and there’s something wrong with you and He will fix it with this by this do this, get this

Jason Hartman 39:46
right and so I just translate that into more there’s yak,

Dr Judith Wright 39:49
ya know, it’s all about lack.

Jason Hartman 39:52
It’s point out of whack and then point out how your product or service can play out.

Dr Judith Wright 39:56
Well, it’s executive marketing strategy. Obviously when it Doesn’t, doesn’t work for the moment, you know, the third phase and I study these people are living the spectacular life. So it’s once a yearning and engaging more fully living more adventurous. See, the next thing that oftentimes happens is what we call regulating, you start to become more aware of the forces that are influencing your decisions, you started to realize what we call your matrix. That’s all the neural pathways that are the basis of your belief systems about yourself and the world. And you start to reflect differently. So for example, many people, we all have core mistaken beliefs about ourselves in the world, there’s some part of it that feels like we’re not enough, or we’re not okay, or we’re not lovable, or we’re too much or something like that for all of us. But let’s say that is your core mistaken belief and you start the revolution, you start to realize, wow, I really think I’m not enough, well, that makes me susceptible to those ads, and then I think, oh, then if I just bought this or got more did this, I’d be okay. But maybe it’s my belief, that’s really the issue. And I can work at changing that. And that’s part of what leads to the next phases, which is liberating taking action, in ways that are counter to those different mistaken beliefs and limiting beliefs that we have. And then re matrixing, which is literally changing the neural pathways of our brain changing that matrix. So we’re thinking differently, our behaviors are different, our emotions are different, we’re becoming someone different. And finally, it’s six phases, dedicating really dedicating ourselves to consciously engaging our own transformation in our evolution, which keeps us as living this way all the time, rather than thinking, Oh, if I just achieved this goal, then I can coast No, let me make my life about becoming what we call a transformer, someone is always learning and growing and discovering new things becoming someone I haven’t even imagined coming becoming yet. And that’s where the real thrill of living takes place. And that’s what we found

Jason Hartman 41:49
really amazing. So those core beliefs are so important, aren’t they? And, and if you look at it, I think of you know, when you were talking about that it made me think of gangs, for example, and the people they look for, and the people that con artists look for, and the people that drug dealers look for, and are the people who are that have this sense of lack, that have this sense that they don’t belong, that they’re outcast. And that’s when you you become very susceptible to all of these different things.

Dr Judith Wright 42:22
It’s really true. And I think there’s a level of that for everyone at some, you know, that’s more severe or more susceptible for some, but there’s always a nagging part of each of us, which is a natural course of our own development, when you understand how our neural pathways are laid down, and how experiences lead us to those kinds of beliefs, you start to understand the universality of that. But if deep at the core, if you’re not conscious of it, you don’t know that’s necessarily what you believe, but you really don’t believe that you’re okay, or you’re not lovable, or that you’re too much or not enough, or something’s wrong with you, or whatever that is, it makes you very susceptible to wanting to belong to things that aren’t even that good for you are putting being in relationships that aren’t great for you. And until we understand that those believes it’s true that we believe them. But it’s not true about our human world, that we’re all loved. And adorable when we have responsibility to make ourselves more that way that we all matter we all have worth, until we really can shift those beliefs and shift their behaviors. We we can overcome that susceptibility. But we have to be aware of what it takes to really change that and just saying a simple affirmation isn’t enough, we literally have to use our neural plasticity, which is a plastic part of our brains and really repeated efforts to really change that essential programming, but it is doable, and it’s kind of thrilling that we can but we can’t kid ourselves. It’s hard work. And it takes a lot of time and repetition. But the results are worth it. I

Jason Hartman 43:49
mean, is it possible for everybody? Why do some people struggle with success or transformation or the science of spectacular living or fulfillment? Whatever you want to call it? I mean, it just begs the question, is it really possible for everybody? Because Because is it that some people just haven’t been coached, right? Or they’re not willing to delay gratification for bigger rewards? What What is it you talk about the heart of transformation,

Dr Judith Wright 44:19
right? Well, the heart of transformation is really being able to live from your heart and really use your emotions and your emotional intelligence and develop that because it is one of the keys to really living a beautiful, satisfying life. We don’t do it in spite of our emotions, we do it through our emotions. But I think part of what it is, there’s so many so much misinformation about what it really takes to change and most people change their minds, but they don’t change their brains. And until we really change our brains, we’re not going to substantially change. It won’t if we do what doesn’t last. And there’s so much all this hype about quick fixes, you know, just do this quick fix three days, 10 days, three steps. It doesn’t work that way when you really understand how the brain works. There’s you realize there’s no such thing as a quick fix. And what happens is when we think though there is, and then we try that it doesn’t work, we start to get discouraged, or to think there’s no solution out there, there’s something wrong with us that we can’t make this happen or can’t make it stick, we really get discouraged. But it’s really that the technology hasn’t been available to do, it’s available, but people haven’t known exactly what it takes. And it does take a lot. It’s just like, you want to learn a musical instrument, you don’t just read a book about it or do a weekend on it, you have to do a ton of practice of the right kind to really become proficient, or spectacular living is the same way. You need to know what the phases are the stages of it, what to do first and little tiny steps that build on little tiny steps to keep over time work and repeatedly. But there is a technology to it. And it’s available to anyone, anybody can live a great life if they’re willing to do the work that it takes to do that. And the work that it takes is really fulfilling to because you’re learning and growing or working with other people, you’re discovering things, you’re living a much more engaged involved life. So I think it is available to everybody. It’s just everybody has an understood what it really takes to transform. And when you do and you’re willing to do it, the results are amazing.

Jason Hartman 46:13
So but it’s not just the how it’s it’s the way it’s the why the how and then the the discipline to execute on it.

Dr Judith Wright 46:21
Right, right. And I think you realize how hard it is at one level is important. Because if you know that, and you also you need good coaches, you need good training, good skills, we use assignments where they sign that way of living life assignment. So it gives people in sequences that build these capacities, and break it down into little steps so that you can do this little step and then you add on another little step and all of a sudden, you realize you’ve covered a ton of territory, and it’s really much more long lasting. But you have to understand we need one another we need teachers, we need mentors, we need support, we need people to inspire us. If you’re thinking about like an Olympic champion or a boxer, whatever, they always have sparring partners and people that they’re running with and competing with and inspiring them. We do need other people to really help us on this journey. And what a great way to live, though, when you’re engaged with other people in that line.

Jason Hartman 47:11
Sure, sure. And those shared experiences are the stock and trade of relationship and friendship, aren’t they?

Dr Judith Wright 47:17
You know, they are beautiful. Um, it’s really it’s what is it? Some of the deepest bonding is learning and growing together and going through things together, getting discouraged and getting back up together and encouraging one another. Our deepest bonds are really made through things like that, and it creates a lot of our intimacy with people.

Jason Hartman 47:33
Yeah, it sure does. It reminds me when you talk about the discipline component of one of the great Jim Rohn, quote said late Jim Rohn, pain of discipline weighs ounces, the pain of regret weighs tons, and just sort of we each have to, at some point, overcome ourselves and sort of start moving down the path and then opportunities start to open up and things just start to work, don’t they?

Dr Judith Wright 47:58
Well, I think that’s true. We have to have some momentum in order to get we can get redirected if we if we’re moving. But it’s really hard to do something when we’re really in nerds, you know that the sixth phase we found in our research is what we call dedicating and I think it speaks to what you’re talking about. Because when you really dedicate it when you’ve made a commitment that wait this is just how I’m gonna live. This is how I’m going to be I’m going to dedicate myself to learning and growing following my deeper yearnings, being more conscious, engaged, involved, present human being. However, whatever words someone uses for that, then you start to actually develop the disciplines and the practices and the rhythms and the routines and the lifestyles that support this kind of engagement that keeps you from living a life of regret. It allows you to really actually feel better when you’re more disciplined many of us resist it, they actually end up having a little more self respect you feel better about yourself for being true to your word for taking steps towards your own. Well being an the people who have dedicated re matrixing and dedicating were the two things that we saw in our research that really made the difference between someone learning and growing a bit. And people really transforming becoming someone they wouldn’t even imagine becoming, because it takes that level of dedication and discipline to do that. And most people don’t realize that are unwilling or haven’t been taught. But it’s not. It’s not out of the reach of any of us once we know that and I think that quote you gave is really beautiful.

Jason Hartman 49:20
tell tell people where they can learn more. And the books I’m sure available Amazon, all the usual places. But what is your website?

Dr Judith Wright 49:28
It’s Judith, right, and that’s right with a W Judith And there’s arguing get the books through there or else obviously online, but there’s also free downloadable products and support. They also have a complimentary training training for anyone listening. You can get yourself to Chicago, we can get an $800 gift for you to come and I can actually teach you these skills have transformed all kinds of ways we’d love to support you. So it’s all on Judith Wright with a W Judith

Jason Hartman 49:55
fantastic and Judith you know, maybe give out one final thought or an action step. that people can take that will make a difference today.

Dr Judith Wright 50:03
I think there’s two things I’d say. One is that we all deserve to live a great life. And we need to know that and act on it, even if we don’t believe it or feel it that it really is true. And one step I think to do today, one is to really be engaging step as what I would really say as engaging page and that means live today as an adventure. take some risks, do something different break out of a rut and routine, do a tiny little thing you wouldn’t have done because once you start to live more engaged and take more risk, a lot more things open up for you.

Jason Hartman 50:32
Fantastic advice. Well, Judith Wright, thank you so much for joining us today. appreciate having you on the show.

Dr Judith Wright 50:37
It’s been great being with you. Thanks so much.